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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012
10:22 pm - Happy 8th Birthday.
Dear Hiccup,

8 years ago, in these hours, like tonight.. I was asking myself "How in the world will I live without this boy in my life every day?" Those hours after you were born were some of the best and worst of my entire life. I loved you so fiercely. I felt so protective over you. I needed you. I wanted you. I needed you.. But.. I knew I had to let you go. I knew that my heart was going to break, my soul was going to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away.. living an amazing, beautiful life, but having no clue of who I was.. what we were. But how could I do this? How could I live without him?

Now, 8 short years have passed.. and we've done it. Together.

Not a day has gone by where I have not thought about you. I have always hoped and desperately wished that you would live a life pain free, fear free, and confusion free. I always hoped that you would not wonder why.. you were? Where you came from, where you belonged. I hoped you would always have peace in your heart, in your soul.. that you would let me carry the pain of this experience, this journey, within me, for the both of us.

I am blown away with the fact that you are now eight years old. IT feels like just yesterday that you were one, then two.. and then three. Now, you're no longer a little boy.. you're just a boy. Just a boy. I don't know what you like, what you don't like. I don't know what you love, or what you are afraid of. I don't know your touch, or your voice, or your smell.. Oh, but how I know you. I know the feel of your soft hair against my cheek. I know the feel of your limbs when you were tiny, thumping against my heart. I know the sound of your newborn whimpers.. and the feel of your bum beneath my hand, your heart against my heart. Is this enough? It has to be, for me.

8 years have passed by, putting us one year closer to the day you will come back to me.. the day you will come home. You will.. come home, to my heart, wont you? Make me complete again, my son.. my son. Make me whole.

I love you so fiercely.. today. Just as much as I did as you grew in my belly.. and you emerged from my body into my arms, into my life. I'll love you this way, and even more and more.. as the day goes by. May your 8th year be as amazing as the short few before.

With love..
Me.

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Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
10:07 am - July 20, 2011
Oh child, dearest, dearest boy,

Thinking of you today, just like yesterday and the day before.. and just like I will tomorrow and the day after that. School will be starting again soon. Second grade for you. New shoes, new clothes, a new backpack, a new teacher and an exciting colored list of necessary school supplies. The anticipation, the excitement, the nervousness, the just plain innocence of youth, all wrapped up in one little thing, in one little part of your life. Just another part of you that's not with me.

Will you be excited? Will you be scared? What kind of backpack will you get? Spiderman? Phineas and Ferb? Just a plain color, or will you use last years backpack? Will you get new clothes? New socks and underpants? Will you get brand new shoes, that you will proudly wear on your feet those first few days of school? Do you pack a lunch or eat at school? How about the bus? Will you be excited to climb on or will you be nervous and stand back, clinging to the hands of the one you love? Who are you, Richie? Who are you?

I want to know these things, I need to know these things. I need to know you.

I will wonder these things every summer for every school year of your life. I will always want to know. Need to know.

I love you, boy. Oh, how I love you.

Enjoy your summer. I hope its the best one so far.

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Tuesday, July 12th, 2011
11:15 pm - July 12, 2011
Oh, you're not such a baby anymore, are you, Richie?

Years have gone by since I wrote to you last. I didn't stop writing because I stopped loving. I stopped writing to keep moving. I hope you understand. A lot has happened since I wrote last, and I wont go into telling you all of these things. I'm sure, if you're reading this, you know about me.. and you know about my family, our family.

7 years old, big boy. Where have those 7 years gone? Gone is the tiny, sweet, beautiful boy that I held in my arms that sad February day so many years ago. Gone is the toddler, who took some of his very first steps right before my eyes. Gone are all of the firsts that I have missed. It's all just gone. All we have is what's here and what's now.

I, to this day, think of you every single day. So many days, weeks, months, and years have gone by, but not one day has closed where you weren't on my mind. I wonder what you're doing, what you've done, how you sound, what you think. I wonder how your life is. I wonder if you're getting old enough now to understand where you've come from. Where you've been. Who you are.

Do your parents talk about me, about us, about how we've come to be? Do they tell you about me, and you, about when we were one? I don't think they do, sweet love, but I hope they do someday. I hope someday they will tell you all about me, who is nothing, but rather, us. You and me. We were always we. I was never me before you.. and you were never you before us. You understand.

Do they see me in you? When they look at you, are they reminded of how much I gave for them? How much I hurt, how much I gave up, how much I changed, how much I gave up, how much, how much, how much.. I gave up. They'll never know. They'll never experience carrying a beautiful soul, and birthing this amazing creature, then loving him for a whole lifetime in just mere hours. They'll never experience putting a child to their chest, and looking into their very soul inside of tiny, newborn eyes. They'll never experience the gut-wrenching pain of putting that baby into the arms of someone else and walking away. They'll never understand losing something like that.

I do feel like I've lost a lot. I know that you probably think I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. I've missed a whole life. Your whole life. I've missed every first. I've missed every second. I've missed first days of school. I've missed first bike rides without training wheels. I'll miss your first broken heart. I'll miss your first girlfriend, I'll miss your first day of high school, your first day of driving, your first, your first, your first.

Don't let me miss your wedding.. or your first baby.. or your grandchildren. When you can help it, help me. Don't let me miss anymore, Richie. I've already missed so, so much. You.

In 7 years... our lives have changed. One thing has remained the same. I am a part of you, and you are a part of me, of my heart, of my soul, of my very life.. and I love you. More than anything.

Stay well, stay good, stay amazing.. stay you. I love you, Hiccup.

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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
8:08 am - Hello, baby.
Time has flown by, so quickly.. so swiftly and hard.. that I have not been here to write to you. It certainly isn't my lack of love or thinking about you. I love you and think about you every hour of every day. It's amazing how much time plays a role in our lives. It holds us so firmly that our lives revolve around it. I can't determine if that is good or bad, maybe I don't want to know the answer.

Maybe time is why we are where we are today. I simply closed my eyes and nearly three years have gone by. Three years. It blows me away. I don't know where those three years went nor do I know if the next three will pass so quickly.. and so filled with emotion and pain.

I didn't get photos of you last month like I have the 34 months before that. I don't understand that, either. Maybe enough time has passed that it's not a necessity. Maybe it's just not necessary, maybe it's time for time to step in and take over.. and for the rest of your life to begin.. without me. I don't know. I don't know what decisions are being made in your life, and maybe that's the right thing.

I don't know what's right, sweetie. I just don't know anymore.

It hurts me that your parents have decided that I don't need you in my life anymore. I don't feel it's right for them to make that decision, for them to break that promise they made to me three years ago. They promised me photos of you until I asked them stop sending them. I'm not ready for them to stop sending them, but apparently they are ready.

Sadly, their word is not of value.. and that hurts. I gave them my word.. you... and then I gave them you.. only to leave me here... empty.

I don't know if my life is supposed to be like this. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I move past this, why can't I live my days without a broken heart, when it's so filled with love and goodness around me? It's because a piece of it is missing.. and it's miles and miles away.

Am I just supposed to let go? Am I just supposed to forget? Is that what you would want? I don't know. Maybe that's what makes it so hard, I don't know what you will want of me later. I don't know how you will look back and think or what you would wish or like or not like about everything. Do you want me to let you go? Wait for you to come back to me? Do you want me to wait for you, like I have every day for the past nearly 3 years? Do you just want me to move on with my life.. and... and... let you move on with yours? Do you always want to know that I am here, or will that just cause you more pain? I don't know? How am I supposed to know?

Your third birthday is coming up, and unlike your 3 previous birthdays, 2004, 2005, and 2006, we will not be spending it together. I hope it's the best for you. I hope you are shown that your three years here on this earth has changed the way we all live our lives. We have much more love, fuller hearts, and much more appreciation for what's around us. We don't miss the little things anymore, love.. and there is only you to thank. I also hope, that on your third birthday, you get a glimpse of your future and the beauty and fullness it beholds, waiting only for you, a bright shining light to light the way. I hope you live every day of your third year knowing just how special you are, how amazing you are.. and just WHO you are. That's most important.

I need to get you a gift, but have been procrastinating. I don't know what you like, I don't know what you don't like. I don't know what you want, what you hope for... or what you wish. I wanted to find you something "right" but have realized that you're just 3. I just need to get you something you will like to play with.

Anyways, I love you big, strong, sweet boy.

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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
10:35 pm - December 3, 2006
Hey there baby.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately and wishing that I'd written to you more often in the past few months.

I want to share something I wrote about you earlier.

****************

In the past year or so I've really distanced myself from Richie's parents. I always thought we had a close relationship until they intentionally kept something from me, hoping I would never know. This made me take a better look at what our relationship really was.

We don't talk on the phone anymore, we don't e-mail like we used to, we really have nothing anymore, except the connection of our Richie.

They still send photos every month. When she does, she acts as if nothing has changed or nothing has happened, but I know they see it, it's obvious in some of the things they say.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ready to tell her to stop sending those monthly pictures. Sometimes I think I'm ready to accept my life without him in it. Nothing I can do or say or think can get him to come back to me. Hell, he might not even want anything to do with me in the years to come. I anxiously await the time to come that he decides he wants to know us, to be in our lives, but the real reality is, he may never decide that. He may hate me for what I've done or he might just not be interested. He might just decide that his family is his family and thats all there is to it.

But then I think... what happens when years down the road... he discovers that I cut our ties when he was only three. Will he think I don't love him anymore? Will he think I stopped loving him, that my life was okay without him in it? Will it hurt him that I was able to go on with my life? What will he think? What will he think is the right thing for me to do?

I can hurt forever. I would hurt every day of my life (like I'm not already!) to spare him one painful feeling. I would cut open my chest and duct tape my heart to my forehead if it made him not ever hurt a bit.

But, what is right? Can there even be a right in this situation?

I wish I knew the answers, I really do.

It's sad because I've even stopped writing to him. I haven't written to him in months. I always wanted him to have my letters to fall back on, so that he would forever know that I was ALWAYS thinking about him and always wondering and feeling and.. wanting..

Forever, forever... forever my Hiccup. Always.

********************************

Each of these words are true, my love.

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Friday, November 24th, 2006
9:19 pm - Anonymous
To the anonymous poster in my comments, I responded to your post.

It said:

I'm sorry I can't contact you to reach out, but I hope you read this and know that together, we are not alone.

You can contact me personally at iwannaseethestars@yahoo.com if you like. Anything shared, even who you are, will always remain between you and I.

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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
7:01 pm - My sweet boy.
Hello, my wee one.

It's been many days since I wrote you last. It's not for lack of what to say, it's for an overabundance of things to say.

Most importantly, my sweet one, I love you. I love you more than anything.

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Monday, July 10th, 2006
10:11 am - July 10, 2006
I've come a long way since last years entry from around this time, Richie. Words can't describe.

I don't have the same relationship with your parents as I did before. I know I've stated this several times, but it doesn't make me happy.. and it doesn't make me sad, either.

I love you.. more than words could ever describe. I could never put into words just how much I love you.. and how much I wish we could be together. The truth is, we can't.

I've ruined a lot for us, little boy. I'm fully aware. I hope it doesn't affect you too much as you grow older. I hope you don't grow to resent me.

I love you too much.

current mood: calm

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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
9:52 pm - June 29, 2006
Hi Sweetie,

I was driving down the road.. and I pulled out an envelope and started to jot this down for you. I am just copying it from the envelope.

I've told you I love you over and over again. I've told you why I love you and just how much I love you. I just don't know if I have ever shared the magnitude or the depth of my love for you.

You are forever my missing piece.

It's like having an absolute favorite puzzle that you put completely together, only to realize that an important middle piece is missing. Disappointed, you put the puzzle away after slowly and sadly taking it apart and putting it in its box in large, still put together pieces.

Later, as you walk by, you see the puzzle and get excited to put it together... until you open the top and you remember. As much as it saddens you, you can't put the puzzle completely together. However, you take out the big pieces, one by one, and methodically snap them together.

In front of you, you see this puzzle and you just learn to appreciate it for what it is. You can still see the big picture aside from the missing piece.


This is like my life, love. This is like my life.

current mood: gloomy

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Monday, June 19th, 2006
10:55 pm - June 19, 2006
I got an email from your daddy a few days ago. He told me you have been having a hard time going to sleep. He said you love to fall asleep on his chest still but Jo takes you from him and puts you in your crib. He said he sits downstairs and listens to you yell "Daddy! Daddy!" for him but he has to ignore you and let you grow up.

Just another thing I don't agree with. I think you're only young once. He should tell Jo to go away and hold you and snuggle you as long as you let him. I know I would.

I don't know how I feel about your daddy. I know I like him more than Jo right now, but I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't feel like he's taking another womans baby. I just feel like it's his baby, too.. and not Jo's baby at all.

I also think he somewhat understands the magnitude of loss I feel. Maybe he doesn't quite understand it fully, but he understands that my life is different.. or harder.. or something.. since you. I know he feels something that Jo does not. The problem is I don't know what it is.

I'm happy to have made him a daddy. Nobody else could give him that.. but I did. It's the only thing I can look back on and KNOW, without a doubt, that THAT was the reason I let you go so long ago... for your daddy. I hope he loves you enough to make up for my pain.

I love you, Richie. I love you like I've always loved you.. so strongly and so fiercely. I love you like you are. My son.

current mood: sad

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Sunday, June 18th, 2006
7:07 pm - June 18, 2006
Father's Day.

Is your daddy happy? I hope so.

I had something to write to you about but I've forgotten.

I hope to remember.

I love you.

current mood: blah

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Monday, June 12th, 2006
8:48 am - June 12, 2006
Dear Hiccup,

I've been wondering so much lately. Things between your Mama Jo and Daddy and myself haven't been well. It all started when I came to see you when you turned two. You've already read... that I discovered things during this visit that ate me to the core. I will never forgive them for these things, even if you do.

This being said, I have so many questions for them, questions that I will never ask them, but will wonder the answers for.. forever. Maybe someday you will have these same questions for them... and maybe someday you can ask.

Why did you do this to me?
How could you take someones baby?
Did you know it hurt?
Did you know it hurt so deeply that it stopped my life as it was that day?
Do you care?
Do you love that boy like I do?
Does he feel like he's yours?
Do you love him like your own?
I miss him.
Was it all worth it to you?
How could you do this to him?
Do you wonder how he will feel when he's grown?
Do you think he will hate me?
Do you think he will understand?
Do you think he will blame me?
Will he look for me some day?
Will you be angry if he finds me?
Will you keep him from me?
Do you want him to know me?
Do you want him to love me?
Why does our relationship not matter?
Am I the only one to blame?
Are you guilt-ridden as well?
Can you feel me?
When you look at him, who do you see?
Do you see me?
Do.. you know.. who I am?
Do you realize... what I've done for you?
...What I've given up for you?
...How much I wish things could change?
Will he call me mom?

I don't need answers. I just need my baby. I just need you.

I love you so much.

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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
11:14 pm - June 10, 2006
Tanya commented on how much Jack looked like you today.

Funny thing, he was wearing one of your jamma sleepers... the blue one with the cars.

He does look like you. How could he not? You're his big brother.

Loving you, sweetie.

current mood: sad

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Friday, June 9th, 2006
9:44 am - June 09, 2006
Good Morning, my little monster,

I hope you are well today. I miss you desperately. I was thinking, however, all of my thoughts of you make me happy.

I wish I could change things. I wish you could live closer, I wish you could live with me. I know you can't, this is how our lives have worked out. I just wish we could go shopping together.. you and me and Jack and Mommy Jo. I wish we could go to the beach together... and the park together.. everywhere together. I know we can't, and it's just a dream, but oh it's a blissful one.

I do all of these things in my heart. You're never further than my heart.

I love you.

current mood: sad

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Friday, May 19th, 2006
10:06 am - May 19, 2006
Hey sweet thing.

I'm not sure I have much to say.. but I didn't want to let too much time pass us by between letters.

I'm not sure why, sweetheart. I write to you and I imagine that right as I finish, you are reading them. Maybe it's deeper than that. MAybe we're just so entwined that I don't have to write to you, you just already know my every thought and wish and hope and dream.

But do you know me? Do you know I would go to the ends of the earth for you? Do you know I would sell my soul for you? Do you know I would give up everything, just for you? You will know it someday.

But, my little boy, what if you never come back to me? What if your daddy and Jo always fulfill you enough to not need me or your brothers? Do you think that could happen, sweetheart? I hope not.

You're so big.. so smart, so grown, so loved. It aches me.. to not be a part of your life.

This weekend I am going to buy you some bubbles. I desperately want to send you some bubbles.. and some love.. from me.

I love you, my little Richie. I love you from the bottom of my heart, the depths of my soul.. from my head to my toes, I love you.

current mood: blah

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Friday, May 5th, 2006
2:44 pm - May 05, 2006
Good Afternoon, Little One.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm missing you even more. Not a moment goes by that you're not on my mind or in my heart. My world revolves around you in a hundred different ways. Life goes on without you, but just barely. I love you so much.

A lot is going on in our lives. We are trying to regain some contact with your younger cousin, Adeline, who is also part of a surrogacy with your Auntie Tanya. We don't get to see her.. in any way, but in our hearts. We see no photos, we have no visits, we hear no updates, we get nothing. I miss her.. and will always miss her. Things will never be the same in our lives, too much of it is too far away.

I think of this, though, Richard. I think of her and her parents and our relationship... or lack thereof. I look at it and I remember and realize just how lucky I am to have what I have with you, with your family.

I can't help but be angry. I can't help but be SO MAD at Jo and your daddy. I feel like.. we will never have what we had before. All we have now, my love, is you. Thankfully.. all I need is you... All. I. Need. Is. You.

I'm loving you so much today, My Hiccup.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
9:56 am - April 12, 2006
Happy Spring, beautiful.

I want to take you outside to the park. I want to watch you run around and go down the slides and go on the swings and play in the rocks. I want to buy you a bike or a trike and watch you pedal it around the garage. I want to blow bubbles with you and watch you squeal with delight as they float softly around. I want to kiss you.. I want to hold you. I want you.

I want you so desperately.. so deeply.. that today, my Hiccup... life is standing still.

I love you.

current mood: blah

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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
11:37 am - March 19, 2006 - 2
See, my little one, I promised I would return and here I am.

Our visit went beautifully.. and I was so happy to see you again. You were everything I expected and much, much more. You were.. you are.. so real and so true and so pure. You're so innocent and so beautiful and so you. You're everything.

You've grown so much, little guy. The last time I held you in my arms you were just learning to toddle, you'd fall more than you'd walk, but oh, it was gorgeously you. I remember that.. watching you get up.. take a few steps and fall back down. It was precious, as are you.

Only now, Richie, you run. You run and you scream and you play and you live. You live so fully as any two year old little boy would and it makes me proud. It makes me happy to see you thriving and living so happily. I knew you would, I knew you would be a happy little boy filled with so much love and so much happiness that it would overwhelm you sometimes. You can see in you that you know you're loved and that you're secure and happy. That means the world to me. I just want you to be happy.

I loved to watch you with your daddy. You were always so happy to see him come hom efrom work or come down in the morning if you had woken up before him. You would scream his name and say "Uppies! Uppies!" because you wanted him to pick you up into his arm and hold you close. You're definitely a little daddys's boy and your daddy loves you more than anything in the world. I'd watch you fall asleep on his chest... both nights I was there. You'd tell him you wanted a bottle and he would carry you into the kitchen and get a bottle from the cupboard and fill it with whole milk from the fridge. He would hand it to you and you would instantly put it in your mouth and start to gulp it down. Then he would sit on the couch and pull the footrest up and recline with you in the crook of his arm, your cheek resting against his heart... and there you would lay, content, until you were snoring quietly. Oh, my love, your daddy was not wuick to put you down once you'd slipped into dreamland. Oh no, your daddy held you tight, stroking your hair, your back, softly kissing your head. He would pick up your little hand and hold it in his big, strong hands and just be... be with you. He loves you so much, you're all his dreams come true... running around in the body of a rambunctious 2 year old.

You enjoyed our visit and you were sad when we left. You cried out my name and reached for me, wanting me to come to you and scoop you up again like I had done so many times furing our visit. You didn't want to kiss me goodbye, however.. I gave you no choice. I grabbed the front of your coat and pulled you in and gave you a kiss on the mouth and told you that I love you. I do love you.. and I always will.

There are so many things I remember from our few short days together. These memories are so strogn and so vivid in my mind, I feel like they will never fade and thats what I want. It's what I ask for and it's what makes me live through life every day without you.

I left unhappy though, baby.. and I don't know where our future will go from here. This hurts me more than wourds could ever descrube but its just a part of us and a part of where our lives will take us. Mommy Jo and daddy kept something from me intentionally. It wasn't something little or unimportant, it was something big, so big in my heart that now my heart aches for you.. and for me.. and for us.. for our future and yours. It was almost a tie that bound us and now that tie has been severed by the hand of a surgeon. MAybe someday you will understand. Maybe someday you will care and maybe you wont. MAybe we will see if diferently and you will just see it as foreskin that meant nothing to you, but it means something to me. When you were born into our world, you were born whole and full and sweet. Mommy Jo and daddy wanted to circumcise you and I wouldn't allow it. I wanted you to remain whole, as you were when you grew within me. You left me, my arms, my world.. into the world of your parents just as I'd hoped you would... complete. This lasted for many months.. until one day, your life changed and we were unbound.. by the tiny tie that made me feel so damn good. You were circumcised.

I know maybe this shouldn't bother me, Richie. But it does. It does in so many more ways than words could ever describe. It's not only skin, it's so much more. I never knew you were having problems. I never knew you were going to need surgery, I never knew you had surgery. I never knew you were hurting or suffering or recovering, I just never knew.

I feel that your parents kept this from me on purpose and it hurts. It makes me wonder where we stand and it makes me feel like we stand nowhere. It makes me feel like DAddy and Mommy Jo stand, but I am left crumpled in a heap on the floor.

Why didn't I deserve to know, Hiccup? Why? Am I nothing to them? Am I nothing to you?

I am here because of you and you are here because of me.. and for that, we will always be one.

I love you.. I love you in a hundred million ways, more ways than words could ever express though someday, I shall try.

current mood: blah

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8:15 am - March 19, 2006
Hello my child,

I have much to write about the trip but your little brother calls me away. I shall return.

I love you.

current mood: frustrated

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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
10:38 pm - February 22, 2006
Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

No words could describe the pain I'm feeling inside... the pain I've felt all day long. I spoke with you today for a short time.. you were way too busy opening your presents but I also got to hear you squeel with delight. What a boy you are.

Two years gone by, 16 more to go. One day at a time, little man. One day at a time.

Until we meet again.. in just 12 short days.. be good, little boy.. and wait for me.

I love you, my baby.. Happy Birthday.

current mood: content

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